Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
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“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
“I wouldn’t.”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.