Why is everyone getting married at me
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I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*