Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
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Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
When someone says you are so lazy
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams