Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
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Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.