Leaving the Barbers like
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Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY