I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Comparing yourself to others
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open