elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
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Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
🥶🥶🐶🐶
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.