Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
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[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Life cycle of cat
it’s finally my moment to shine
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation