A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.