[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
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*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
lmfao come on
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
#JohnTravolta
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.