[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
You Might Also Like
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
the only organized thing in my life is crime
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.