Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
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My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐