I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.