i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
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My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
gm
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.