33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
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her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great