Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
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Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!