[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
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Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together