What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
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My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork