MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
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Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Mountain Goat : )
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Raisins are grape jerky.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds