Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
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The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history