ibopfufen
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If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
A roof is a house hat.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”