Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.