If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
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Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.