“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
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Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.