[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
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A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
why no one uses midhusbands
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?