Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
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I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube