*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
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TRAIN’S HERE
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate