[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
You Might Also Like
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
nature’s most graceful animal
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down