I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
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Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]