one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
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Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
We need to put an American base on the sun
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.