Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
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my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
that colleague who touches your screen
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
And they lived apathetically ever after.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really