Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
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Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down