Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
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I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.