Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
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Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?