[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
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I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Pringles