me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
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“Morning, how was your weekend?”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me too, bag. Me too….
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”