“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
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Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
“You’d better run, egg!”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*