Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.