Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
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Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no