You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
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Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
HR said no more nunchucks.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality