customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern