I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
6: are snakes just neck?
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am