[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
All excellent questions
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
This is so me 😂😂
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…