Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
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Breaking news:
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
This January has 47 Mondays
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
this is the best day of my life
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.