commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
You Might Also Like
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
They did not miss in the small print
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?