Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
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mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably