sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
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Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
wtf is an acronym
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War