tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
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Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
He wanted to make sure😂
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.