If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
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me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
synchronized noseblowing
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*