Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
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Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
When someone trying to leave me
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.